Tag Archives: ten things tuesday

Things I Neglected to Mention During My Incarceration

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What?  You did not know I was incarcerated.  Yes, I was help captive in my home by the couch monster most of the summer, but I returned to work yesterday.  After summer break, educators always get asked the same old shit kind of questions.  How was your summer?  What did you do?  Where did you go?  Yadda yadda yadda.  This week I have decided to be brutally honest about the things I did this summer.  Here are my answers to 10 of my frequently asked questions.  I will let you imagine what the questions are.

1.  I don’t remember anything before coffee.

2.  This is my feigning enthusiasm face.

3.  Bacon.

4.  Wine.

5.  If I have to put pants or a bra on before noon, the answer will always be no.

6.  Some things are not important.

7.  I was so sick of those fuckers.

8.  Desperate Minds High School.

9.  Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy/But here’s my number, so call me maybe.

10.  If you never try, you’ll never know.

Support Your Local Lurker

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I started seven different blog posts today, but none of them seemed to fit what I wanted to say.  Hell, I’m not exactly sure what the fuck I wanted to say today either.   I spent an extensive portion of the day online looking for inspiration.  When all hope was gone that I would post two days in a row, a light bulb moment occurred.  My alter-ego whispered to me that I should review what I learned from others on The Internet today while I was lurking.

And, so it came to pass, Twtter, Plurk, and Facebook provided me with blog fodder.

  • My uncle is looking for a poop changer via FB.
  • Certain things happen only on Bravo if you live @citizenjaney’s house.
  • In general, I don’t think people are bad, but I do think they make bad choices.
  • One can never have enough toilet paper or flip flops.
  • I love the word knackered like it’s my job.
  • Snapper’s back!
  • I am so over the Keanu meme.
  • “We must ensure a disaster like this doesn’t happen again.” ~ Barack Obama
  • I need this iPhone app.  Like yesterday.
  • I crack my own shit up.  Scroll down for my comment du jour.  Yes, Sybil I said HYMEN.  If you are not reading worshiping this Aussie badass, shame on you.

Twisted Rules for the Good Life

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“Ten Rules for the Good Life with a Twist” was originally posted on September 24, 2007.

  • Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Procrastination isn’t the problem; it’s the solution.
  • Never trouble another for what you can do yourself. So much to do so few people to do it for me.
  • Never spend your money before you have it. There’s always free cheese in a mousetrap.
  • Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will never be dear to you. You can’t have everything; where would you put it?
  • Pride costs us more than hunger, thirst, and cold. Volunteering doesn’t pay.
  • Never repent of having eaten too little. I want it all, and I want it covered in chocolate.
  • Nothing is troublesome that we do willingly. Ignorance is nine-tenths of the law.
  • Don’t let the evils which have never happened cost you pain. Paranoia is the best defense.
  • Always take things by their smooth handle. A little pain never hurt anyone.
  • When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, count to one hundred. Peace is for sissies.

    • Attributed to: Thomas Jefferson
    Twisted by: Cajunvegan

    Drive-By Insults

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    If you can’t beat the passive aggressives, join ‘em.

    1.  Asshole isn’t an alternative lifestyle.

    2.  My goal is to be your worst nightmare.

    3.  Think outside that box you call a head.

    4.  Walk it off, cry baby.

    5.  You are a bag of douche.

    6.  Even if it’s not your fault, it’s still your fault.

    7.  Memo to self:  Ditch these losers.

    8.  You have no idea how much planning and effort goes into my casual disinterest.

    9.  Aw, did I step on your poor little feelings?

    10.  I’m not really rude.  I just say what everyone else is thinking.

    You can play too!

    Fill in your own drive-by insult in the comments.

    Leave your own drive-by insult in the comments.

    You Are Here.

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    Where the fuck  were you going?  Some of you twisties actually found me by using these search terms.

    1. oompa loompas of science
    2. fucktacular
    3. women make me crazy
    4. why are boobs so soft
    5. will you spank me please
    6. civilization is doomed
    7. liquid ass
    8. twat
    9. bitch i like your bag
    10. fuck you and the horse you rode in on

    What the hell is wrong with you?  I feel so violated.  Do it again.

    The Second Ten Commandments

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    1.  Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

    2.  Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

    3.  Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

    4.  Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.

    5.  Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.

    6.  Thou shall not borrow other people’s problems. They can better care for them than you can.

    7.  Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!

    8.  Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.

    9.  Thou shall not become “bogged down” by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.

    10.  Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to big ones.

    ~ Author unknown

    Cruel to Be Kind

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    It is Random Acts of Kindness Week.  I’m trying.  Really, I am, but sometimes the cruel thoughts just accidentally fall out of my head onto the blog.

    1.  You play; you pay.

    2.  Does your little mind ever get lonely in your big head?

    3.  If I seem cold, it’s because I am.

    4.  Didn’t get enough attention as a child, did you?

    5.   All trash no trailer

    6.  Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

    7.  How may I ignore you today?

    8.  It’s your hell.  Now burn in it.

    9.  I’m sorry.  Did you want a side of pity with that?

    10.  There, there … after what you’ve done, a little self-loathing is only natural.

    The Last Thing I Want to Do Is Insult You.

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    But it’s on the list.  Along with …

    1. Beat the living shit out of you.
    2. Ignore you.
    3. Silently judge you.
    4. Blame you.
    5. Mock you.
    6. Criticize you.
    7. Pretend to care about you.
    8. Play dead around you.
    9. Arrange to have you beaten.
    10. Dismiss you.

    Alas!  For now …

    I’m Not a Pessimist. I’m a Pissed Off Optimist.

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    _

    The pessimist finds fault;
    The optimist discovers a remedy.

    The pessimist seeks sympathy;
    The optimist spreads cheer.

    The pessimist criticizes circumstances;
    The optimist changes conditions.

    The pessimist complains about the apple seeds;
    The optimist plants them.

    The pessimist imagines impending peril;
    The optimist sees signs of prosperity.

    The pessimist disparages;
    The optimist encourages.

    The pessimist creates loneliness;
    The optimist finds friends.

    The pessimist nibbles at the negative;
    The optimist is nourished by the positive.

    The pessimist builds barriers;
    The optimist removes roadblocks.

    The pessimist invents trouble;
    The optimist enriches the environment.

    ~ William Arthur Ward