Category Archives: freaks geeks lovers stalkers
May I Have Your Attention Please?!
Dear Everyone,
Stay in your hula hoop space.
Keep your body parts to yourself. Keep your tongue in your mouth. Cover your cough and sneeze. Be in control of your body.
Please stay in your hula hoop space at all times.
If you leave your hula hoop space, I guarantee that I will go voodoo on your ass.
That means you will get The Crud That Is Going Around too.
Please and thank you in advance.
The Psycho Hose Beast
2 x 2 x 11 = 44
Today is Booger’s birthday. Yes, his 44th one. He does not want a fuss. Ever. Sigh. Instead he will get his very own 44 item freaking meme.
What is his name? David, Booger Bear, Booger, Boog, Putzaroo, Pester
How long have you been married? 12 years on April 15
How long did you date? Technically, we dated 4 years
How old is he? He’s 44 today.
Who eats more? Lately, he does, but I am counting calories.
Who said I love you first? He did. I’ll always remember it because it was also the day I met Drew for the first time.
Who is taller? He is at six feet to my 5’6″.
Who sings better? I would like to say that I do, but he can carry more tune in his bucket than I.
Who is smarter? Definitely me. I don’t know. He’s brilliant in his own special way.
Whose temper is worse? I would say we both have a tendency to throw a tantrum; however, we have both mellowed over the years: better living through chemistry.
Who does the laundry? Believe it or not, we share this task.
Who does the dishes? More often than not, he does.
Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Facing the bed, him. In the bed, me.
Who pays the bills? He does. I loathe this task.
Who mows the lawn? We have desert landscaping; he rakes the rocks.
Who cooks dinner? We share this task, but he does about 75% of the time since becoming a full-time student.
Who drives when you are together? He does unless he is drunk off his ass or sick. Apparently, I “drive like a woman.”
Who is more stubborn? Without a doubt, I am.
Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? He does. I have always had a problem admitting when I am wrong, but I do it more often because he makes me.
Whose parents do you see the most? Neither really … sad, isn’t it?
Who proposed? He did the second time. It’s a long story.
Who has more friends? He hates people, so that would be me.
Who has more siblings? We each have one, and we are both older than our same sex siblings by three years.
Who wears the pants in the family? He tries.
Now to round out the 44 items about Booger. Here are 20 things you did or didn’t know about him.
1. He’s the son of a nun.
2. He has aspirations to be a goat farmer someday.
3. He will graduate from college on May 12, 2012.
4. He bakes a mean cherry pie.
5. He has the diabeetus.
6. He has the twitches.
7. He plays way too much Wurm.
8. He is obsessed with Takis.
9. He has two tattoos — a dragon and a koi.
10. He is Drew’s father.
11. He had a practice wife before me.
12. He does not have his father’s last name; he has his stepfather’s.
13. He was in the Navy.
14. He loves redheads.
15. He was a lifelong cat lover/owner who now must sleep with two Holy Terrors and a psycho hose beast every night.
16. He’s a PC with three iCrack devices. Muahahahahahahahaha.
17. He’s a sleep talker.
18. His love of the movie Twister dumbfounds me.
20. He loves a psycho hose beast.
Whatevah
I have an Asian friend with a brand new baby girl. Auntie Jan(e) is so going to teach her to do this.
Because I Love Someone with Asperger's Syndrome
On Your 19th Birthday
Dear Drew,
Well, it’s a little unfathomable that today is your 19th birthday. Last year I reminisced about how much you have grown and gave you some advice that I am obligated to review based on the inner and outer struggles I have witnessed over the past year. I know you have the knowledge, skills, attitudes, and values necessary to succeed in all that you do as an adult, but you continue to face the emotional responsibilities of being an adult with child-like wonder. Oh, how I hope you grow to achieve, prosper, and participate in life as the mature young man I know you can be.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not second guess whether your dad and I did the right thing by agreeing to your decision to return to Colorado to live with your mother when you were a preteen. Last year I reminded you that “With great power comes great responsibility.” I encouraged you to channel your inner Peter Parker and never forget that you too have inner strength, conscience, balance, intelligence, and so much more. I continue to hope that maturity finds you quickly, and common sense arrives sooner than later to guide your decisions over the remainder of your life. While I struggle to find the words to say all of this to you personally, they come so easily when I write them here.
Know that I love you and will always be here for you.
Your Other Mother
Terrorist on Board
Come Not Between the Psycho Hose Beast And Her Wrath
Dear Jan(e),
Utah has been lovely, but I have to scream now. Please pass me the chaperoning handbook. I have to smack some people’s children with it now. I have been cooped up in the hotel room most of the day with a nasty headache and a low-grade fever. It is staggering how many times heavy wooden doors can be slammed, herds of screaming teenagers gallop down hallways, and variations of ding dong ditch can be played on someone who knows voodoo and is not afraid to go there on your insolent asses!
Clarification: These are not children from my school. They know better. Muahahahahahhahahahahahaha.
Looking for my wire hanger,
Jan(e)
Letting Go
I feel that I must put this into writing without attacking or blaming. I hope you read it and realize how hurtful your words and actions can be. I am disappointed by the turn of events today. I did not expect or want our friendship to end this way. I recognize you likely do not realize your social ineptitude. I remained your friend despite the pain you inflicted upon others over and over and time and time again. I defended you to those who said I should let you go. I cared deeply for you and mistakenly thought you did for me as well. I take responsibility for trying to be creative and funny. I accept that you overreacted. I deserve to be surrounded by people who love and respect me for the person I am. I miss the person you used to be. I want no further confrontations. I release you from any sense of obligation you may have to remain a friend to me. I am moving on. I will take this event as a lesson learned. I will strive to be the change I wish to see in the world. I hope you find peace on this journey called life.
32 Days Later
This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Really, Monkey Boy? You graduated from the 29th best high school in America. There must have been some kind of mistake.
Can I talk to you about how relieved I am? After all the hassle, you finally earned the tassel. We did it. I mean, you did it. Yes, this means you are 100% on your own. Welcome to the jungle known as adulthood. First up, get a haircut and a job. Get yourself ready for an exciting future, including decades of student loan repayment.
All kidding aside, we are so proud of the man you are becoming and hope your dreams take you to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known.
