Stay in your hula hoop space.
Keep your body parts to yourself. Keep your tongue in your mouth. Cover your cough and sneeze. Be in control of your body.
Please stay in your hula hoop space at all times.
If you leave your hula hoop space, I guarantee that I will go voodoo on your ass.
That means you will get The Crud That Is Going Around too.
Please and thank you in advance.
The Psycho Hose Beast
Today is Booger’s birthday. Yes, his 44th one. He does not want a fuss. Ever. Sigh. Instead he will get his very own 44 item freaking meme.
I have an Asian friend with a brand new baby girl. Auntie Jan(e) is so going to teach her to do this.
Well, it’s a little unfathomable that today is your 19th birthday. Last year I reminisced about how much you have grown and gave you some advice that I am obligated to review based on the inner and outer struggles I have witnessed over the past year. I know you have the knowledge, skills, attitudes, and values necessary to succeed in all that you do as an adult, but you continue to face the emotional responsibilities of being an adult with child-like wonder. Oh, how I hope you grow to achieve, prosper, and participate in life as the mature young man I know you can be.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not second guess whether your dad and I did the right thing by agreeing to your decision to return to Colorado to live with your mother when you were a preteen. Last year I reminded you that “With great power comes great responsibility.” I encouraged you to channel your inner Peter Parker and never forget that you too have inner strength, conscience, balance, intelligence, and so much more. I continue to hope that maturity finds you quickly, and common sense arrives sooner than later to guide your decisions over the remainder of your life. While I struggle to find the words to say all of this to you personally, they come so easily when I write them here.
Know that I love you and will always be here for you.
Your Other Mother
Utah has been lovely, but I have to scream now. Please pass me the chaperoning handbook. I have to smack some people’s children with it now. I have been cooped up in the hotel room most of the day with a nasty headache and a low-grade fever. It is staggering how many times heavy wooden doors can be slammed, herds of screaming teenagers gallop down hallways, and variations of ding dong ditch can be played on someone who knows voodoo and is not afraid to go there on your insolent asses!
Clarification: These are not children from my school. They know better. Muahahahahahhahahahahahaha.
Looking for my wire hanger,
I feel that I must put this into writing without attacking or blaming. I hope you read it and realize how hurtful your words and actions can be. I am disappointed by the turn of events today. I did not expect or want our friendship to end this way. I recognize you likely do not realize your social ineptitude. I remained your friend despite the pain you inflicted upon others over and over and time and time again. I defended you to those who said I should let you go. I cared deeply for you and mistakenly thought you did for me as well. I take responsibility for trying to be creative and funny. I accept that you overreacted. I deserve to be surrounded by people who love and respect me for the person I am. I miss the person you used to be. I want no further confrontations. I release you from any sense of obligation you may have to remain a friend to me. I am moving on. I will take this event as a lesson learned. I will strive to be the change I wish to see in the world. I hope you find peace on this journey called life.
This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Really, Monkey Boy? You graduated from the 29th best high school in America. There must have been some kind of mistake.
Can I talk to you about how relieved I am? After all the hassle, you finally earned the tassel. We did it. I mean, you did it. Yes, this means you are 100% on your own. Welcome to the jungle known as adulthood. First up, get a haircut and a job. Get yourself ready for an exciting future, including decades of student loan repayment.
All kidding aside, we are so proud of the man you are becoming and hope your dreams take you to the corners of your smiles, to the highest of your hopes, to the windows of your opportunities, and to the most special places your heart has ever known.