Not that a self-proclaimed wineaux like me would know anything about getting into a bar fight. 

Monkey Boy (now 18 and apparently fearless) has proclaimed via status update that his new objective is to get into a bar fight.  The pacifist in me is sobbing.  The fighter in me wants to train and cheer him on.  The stepmonster in me screams “Don’t you fucking dare!”  The Other Mother in me says “Use your wits and common sense.”  With the latter said, Monkey Boy should follow these tips for surviving the bar fight he will likely not be able to avoid.  

1. Don’t throw the first punch.  In fact, you should duck and cover and run like the wind if it appears you are about to be hit. 

2. Don’t insult anyone.  No amount of role playing games will be able to save your scrawny ass if you utter the right words to the wrong person. 

3. Don’t make eye contact with any drunk, belligerent, oversized male (or his hot girlfriend who wants to dance with somebody).  

4. Don’t drink. You are not legal yet, and there is no way in hell you are equipped to handle even a small amount of alcohol in my expert opinion.  

5. Don’t get in anyone’s personal space.  If you bump into anyone or step on anyone’s toes, remember your manners and say excuse me loud and clear.

If all else fails, here are a few suggestions.  

1. Think before you react.  Impulsivity has never been your strong suit.    

2. Remain calm.  Yelling, threatening, and criticizing have not worked for you with the ‘rents.  Just saying.  

3. Prepare.  Maintain eye contact with your opponent and possibly the bartender and/or security as they will likely be the ones to safe your ass. 

4. Be defensive not offensive.  Blocking a punch is easier to explain to a district attorney than smashing a beer bottle over someone’s head.    

5. Obtain employment.  If you are drinking in a bar and get arrested for fighting, we will not come to your rescue, and you will have to call your mommy for bail money.       

And, one more thing, change that ridiculous status update and join the real world.  Act your age not your shoe size.  It is okay to be yourself.